The "Day"

On Friday one of my good friends asked me "Just wrote the date today and thought of John. I wondered if the "date" or "day" hits you." I hadn't thought of it that way before. I thought about it a lot on Friday because it wasn't a hard day for me and I was thinking that this was the "turn around" anniversary. But then yesterday was a very hard day for me. It's been a pattern for me to have hard days before "the day".

Yesterday for most of the day I kept going through the events of the day of the accident. I had so much going through my mind that it was hard to sort it all out. As I was laying in bed last night all the details were coming back to me of the entire day before the accident happened.

I remember getting the kids ready to go to church. We were all so excited about the day ... going to church and then going to my parents to spend time with family. It was a beautiful day, like today. The sky was a gorgeous blue with no clouds at all. It was a hot and humid day with it being close to 90.

We went to church. I remember not hanging around to chat with people because we wanted to get home for lunch so we could go to Mom and Dad's early to spend time with them before everyone else showed up. On the way home from church John took my hand and told me how much he loved me and that he will always be faithful to me... a moment that I will always remember.

At home I made spaghetti for lunch. Lunch was full of chatter with the kids being excited about going to Grandma's and seeing their cousins. We left as soon as we finished cleaning up lunch dishes. John and the kids were in the van while I was still getting a few things to take along. I kept forgetting things ... 3 times I went back into the house to get something! I've often wondered why I did that...

We left to go to Mom and Dad's with my feet on Melissa's high school scrapbook that I had just finished up. It was big and I didn't want to hold it... now I know why. Because it was under my feet we were able to save it, even though it was bent, but still in good condition. I kind of remember John and I discussing his upcoming promotion at work. This was exciting for us as it was something that he was wanting. From what I remember he was moving into a Manager position with more responsibility.

Less than 5 minutes from home our lives changed in an instant. We got onto the bypass off of SR23. We were behind a big truck; John moved into the passing lane and had no time to react to the oncoming car that hit us... she was right there! All I remember is John starting to say "Oh no" but only got part of the "no" out. It was that quick!

I don't remember the impact but I do remember the absolute chaos of the scene. I was having a hard time breathing because of my collapsed lung. I think my body was in shock from all the broken bones ... 3 broken ribs on each side, broken sternum, 6 broken bones in my right foot, 3 in my left, a dislocated big toe on my right foot, airbag burns on my face and covered in bruises. I didn't feel the pain at the scene until they started taking me out of the van.

I remember the kids crying and screaming, asking if I'm ok, asking if Daddy is ok. It was a very helpless feeling to not be able to help my children in their pain. I vaguely remember Michael (I'm calling him that since that's what we called him during that time) saying that he couldn't feel his legs. Ben tells us that he remembers that very vividly. I knew that John didn't make it but I couldn't tell the kids that. First, I couldn't catch my breath to talk other than to tell the kids "it's ok"; second, I couldn't tell them the truth at that point.

I was taken in an ambulance after the firemen had used the jaws of life to get the door off. They tried to cover me with a heavy blanket so that I wouldn't get hurt from the equipment that they were using. I paniced from being clostraphobic and wouldn't let them keep it on me. Basically, I fought against them to the point of them leaving it off of me. That was not fun! This was painful since the shock was starting to wear off.

Once in the ambulance they put oxygen on me, which I welcomed. I asked about the kids and I was told that they were ok. Ben and Bekah were in the same ambulance while Michael was in another one.

It was comforting to have my family in the emergency room with me and the kids. I was told that Michael was taken to Riley via helicoptor. Ben was kept overnight with a broken bone and bruises from the carseat straps. Bekah was treated and released with only bruises from the carseat straps. No one was telling me anything about Michael's condition.

I was in the hospital for 4 nights. During that time I was having to make funeral arrangements for my husband, deal with the pain of a broken body, and try to get info about my son 3 hours away. I had so many people visiting me that they had to move me to a bigger room and Lorraine decided to monitor my visitors. That was a blessing! People were welcome to come but only a few people were allowed in my room at a time. I was on morphine so there is so much that I don't remember, but yet there is so much that I do remember.

It wasn't until I got home that I found out the truth about Michael's condition. It was a good friend who is a physical therapist that told me. She literally took the time to go to Riley and talk to the doctors to get straight answers. No one was telling me anything and I am grateful that she did what she did. I was very angry when so told me the truth. It was another bomb on my life as it was.

For the next 2-2 1/2 months my focus was to heal physically, be a mom to Ben and Bekah at Mom and Dad's (I stayed there until I could drive) during the week and then on weekends go to Indy to be a mom to Michael. This was hard to have to split my time. My family was wonderful!!!!! I will be forever grateful for ALL they did to help me survive!!!!!!!!

I will never forget the first time I saw Michael. I was in a wheelchair, he was in a wheelchair, and we both had shattered hearts. His reaction to me to small. He smiled alittle and said hi. It took some time to reconnect. I wanted him to come running to me with open arms but that didn't happen. All we could do was smile and say hi to each other. This was heartbreaking for me. We were both in a strange place in strange positions.

Over the next couple weeks Michael started to become himself again. Each of the therapists told me that Michael would not talk or smile until I got there. Once he knew that I was alive and ok, he was able to let himself be ok. It was comforting for me to see him "come to life" again.

Another thing that I remember so clearly from all that I've said in this entry is that God's grace and mercy was all over me and my family during this time! He made his presence known all over the place. Everywhere I went He let me know that he was there with me. Even in the midst of all the pain, emotional and physical, God was there! God is always good to us!!!

Now that I'm finished with this entry my heart feels so much better. For me it's helpful to get it out. It's healing to process even through writing.

Thank you for "listening" to my story ... and my heart...