Grief.
It’s
complicated.
It’s ugly.
It’s real.
It’s so
necessary.
It can be
healthy.
I’m learning
that grief is something that we need to learn to do. It doesn’t come naturally
to anyone. I don’t care who you are; it’s not natural for you to know how to
grieve.
Grieving the
death of a loved one isn’t easy for anyone. Not one single person enjoys it. No
one wants to do it. There is nothing pleasant about it.
We NEED to
go through the grieving process … whether we want to or not. It’s simply what
we have to do in order to become who we are designed to be.
The goal in
grief should be that it’s healthy. Even as you grieve it’s hard to know when it’s
healthy or not sometimes.
Twelve years ago my husband died (and my wonderful in-laws within the next few years) and I have to admit that I still get hit with waves of grief or sadness. The waves are not as big as they used to be but they still come on different levels. Most of the time it's when I see my kids grieving through a milestone in their lives. It still hurts my heart sometimes to know that they are missing a piece of themselves in their biological dad not being here to see them grow up.
From the beginning my earnest prayer has been that my children (and myself) would live out a healthy grieving process. I have done my best to help them along in their process. Admittedly, I have not done it perfectly. I have been there when they have needed me to but I have also failed them at times.
Healthy grief looks like this for us ...
We are open about how we are feeling.
This isn't always easy to do. It's a process in learning how to do this. At the beginning my kids didn't talk to me about their grief because they didn't want to upset me. They did talk to others though, which I'm grateful for. Over time they learned that it's ok to talk to me about their feelings too. That step was healing for all of us.
We talk about the person who died.
Sharing memories is so healing. Healing tears that come with sharing stories about the person is so good.
There have been countless times when I've said to my kids,
"you look like your dad"
"you did that just like your dad would do it"
"your dad would be so proud of you"
"oh my word, that's just like your dad!"
"you sound like your dad"
"you have your dad's eyes/legs/ears/voice/hands/hair/etc"
They love it when I say things like that. It tells them that they have a part of their dad that will always be with them.
We have celebrated the milestones.
When my kids were younger, we would go to the cemetery and release birthday balloons and have a cake. We even celebrate their dad's heaven birthday. The day that he died he started a new life. We go to his favorite restaurant and get slurpees, one of his favorite drinks.
We have kept living life.
It's ok to still enjoy life. I can promise you that we didn't stop laughing and moving forward. Laughter is healing! Who wants to be sad all the time? I know without a doubt that my late husband would not want us to be sad all the time. He enjoyed laughing and I know that he would want us to keep smiling, laughing and enjoying life.
Keep pursuing your dreams. Don't let life come to a screeching halt. God didn't create us to stop moving forward in becoming better people. He created us to become more and more like him and that should be what we continue to strive to be. That means that we keep living life to the fullest. Keep your smile and don't stop laughing.
Pray, worship and pursue God.
This is vital in our healing process. If we continue to do this, we will be more than ok. I have prayed for and with my children regularly. Worshipping together and separately is so incredibly healing. Recognizing who God is in the midst of grief is a reminder that He is still in control and still loves us. Being reminded of who He is helps us in feeling confident and safe in pursuing him.
Remember that God is good.
Just because life isn't what we want it to be or how we think it should be, doesn't change who God is. He is still good in the midst of grief and pain. Nothing has changed about him.
Bring God into your valley. Invite Him into your grieving process. When we invite him in, he will walk through it with us. He understands. He's had to walk through more grief than anyone on this earth. He gets it! Let Him be in it with you.
I cannot imagine going through our grief without Him! It's because of his gentle presence and loving guidance that we have been able to stay emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually healthy for the past 12 years. Without him life would feel completely hopeless.
As life changes the way we grieve changes. As we grow it looks different and that's ok. It's just the way life works.
Twelve years ago my husband died (and my wonderful in-laws within the next few years) and I have to admit that I still get hit with waves of grief or sadness. The waves are not as big as they used to be but they still come on different levels. Most of the time it's when I see my kids grieving through a milestone in their lives. It still hurts my heart sometimes to know that they are missing a piece of themselves in their biological dad not being here to see them grow up.
From the beginning my earnest prayer has been that my children (and myself) would live out a healthy grieving process. I have done my best to help them along in their process. Admittedly, I have not done it perfectly. I have been there when they have needed me to but I have also failed them at times.
Healthy grief looks like this for us ...
We are open about how we are feeling.
This isn't always easy to do. It's a process in learning how to do this. At the beginning my kids didn't talk to me about their grief because they didn't want to upset me. They did talk to others though, which I'm grateful for. Over time they learned that it's ok to talk to me about their feelings too. That step was healing for all of us.
We talk about the person who died.
Sharing memories is so healing. Healing tears that come with sharing stories about the person is so good.
There have been countless times when I've said to my kids,
"you look like your dad"
"you did that just like your dad would do it"
"your dad would be so proud of you"
"oh my word, that's just like your dad!"
"you sound like your dad"
"you have your dad's eyes/legs/ears/voice/hands/hair/etc"
They love it when I say things like that. It tells them that they have a part of their dad that will always be with them.
When my kids were younger, we would go to the cemetery and release birthday balloons and have a cake. We even celebrate their dad's heaven birthday. The day that he died he started a new life. We go to his favorite restaurant and get slurpees, one of his favorite drinks.
We have kept living life.
It's ok to still enjoy life. I can promise you that we didn't stop laughing and moving forward. Laughter is healing! Who wants to be sad all the time? I know without a doubt that my late husband would not want us to be sad all the time. He enjoyed laughing and I know that he would want us to keep smiling, laughing and enjoying life.
Keep pursuing your dreams. Don't let life come to a screeching halt. God didn't create us to stop moving forward in becoming better people. He created us to become more and more like him and that should be what we continue to strive to be. That means that we keep living life to the fullest. Keep your smile and don't stop laughing.
Pray, worship and pursue God.
This is vital in our healing process. If we continue to do this, we will be more than ok. I have prayed for and with my children regularly. Worshipping together and separately is so incredibly healing. Recognizing who God is in the midst of grief is a reminder that He is still in control and still loves us. Being reminded of who He is helps us in feeling confident and safe in pursuing him.
Remember that God is good.
Just because life isn't what we want it to be or how we think it should be, doesn't change who God is. He is still good in the midst of grief and pain. Nothing has changed about him.
Bring God into your valley. Invite Him into your grieving process. When we invite him in, he will walk through it with us. He understands. He's had to walk through more grief than anyone on this earth. He gets it! Let Him be in it with you.
I cannot imagine going through our grief without Him! It's because of his gentle presence and loving guidance that we have been able to stay emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually healthy for the past 12 years. Without him life would feel completely hopeless.
As life changes the way we grieve changes. As we grow it looks different and that's ok. It's just the way life works.
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