When the Uglies Come Out

Have you ever had a day where your ugly side came out? Yesterday was that day for me. No matter what anyone did, it set me off. No one could do anything right. Even the way they breathe wasn’t right.

I didn’t know why I was on edge all day. I couldn’t seem to sort out my feelings. All I knew was that I was depressed and sad. My heart hurt.

It wasn’t until this morning that I was able to sort out some feelings and put thoughts and feelings together in my mind. Several things led up to the ugliness coming out.

The anniversary of John’s death was on Monday.

I thought I was ok with it this year even though I’ve been thinking about him more than usual the past few weeks. The anniversary date came and I had actually forgotten that it was “the day” until around noon when I was reminded by my daughter sad face. As the week went on grief kept creeping in. 

Some realities of being a stepmom were hard this week.

Is it ever easy being in this position? To be brutally honest, not very often. Being the third wheel is rarely a fun place to be. 

My sister-in-law was here this week and it reminded me of John, PopPop and Grandmom. 

John and his parents all went to be with Jesus within a few years of each other. PopPop and Grandmom (Ron & Betsy) were wonderful in-laws. I enjoyed our deep conversations. Being able to talk about what God was doing in our lives was so refreshing and healing to me, especially after John died. I miss those times with them.

Clint was getting ready to leave for Costa Rica for a mission trip.

Leading a mission trip isn’t easy. It is not a vacation by any means. My husband takes his position as the team leader seriously. The days leading up to the trip are full of last minute planning, shopping and packing. He really doesn’t get a day off before he goes. In some ways I feel like he’s already mentally left before he’s even left the house. The trips are always successful because he is very detailed and intentional with all the planning. With all this comes sacrifice. 

I struggle with my position when he’s gone on a mission trip.

Something like this usually goes through my mind, “He’s doing such amazing things while I’m only at home doing the same old, unimportant things.” In my mind I know this isn’t completely true. Him and I both know that he wouldn’t be able to go and do his job as well without me supporting him and taking care of things here at home.

When the uglies come out I know that I need to spend time with God to help me sort it all out. It helps me to get my feet on the ground again. Spending time with Him and journaling through it is so very helpful. He speaks his healing truth to my heart. 

With the truth of God in my heart, I was able to make a choice to be productive today. 

I went to my safe place, the garden. I have some of my best conversations with God in this place. So much of the time I can feel him with me. I don't go to the garden alone. I take him with me. I invite him into my garden, my yard, my home. 

I picked 10 gallons of green beans for canning. My back and legs were hurting from the bending over but I knew that it would be so worth it in the end. This winter when we need beans I will be able to get some from the basement and savor the taste of home grown green beans.

I helped my kids break off the ends for what seemed like forever.

I cleaned them, put them in jars and sealed them. In the end I was able to fill 44 jars. That's a productive day. At the end of the day the depression and sadness is gone. 

Do something good for yourself.