A New Life

Earlier this month Clint's friend died.  This has reaked havoc on Clint and I.  Clint has been grieving and because of the kind of relationship Phonethip and I had it hasn't caused me to grieve much, if any.  P and I had an interesting relationship.  We never did get to know each other well because of some step-family circumstances.  I believe that he struggled accepting me fully as a big part of Clint's life and therefore that kept him from accepting a real friendship with me.  It wasn't an easy relationship.

Because of this kind of relationship with P it's been a challenge for me to have the kind of grace for Clint's grief that he needs from me.  I do have to say that it's been by God's grace that I've been able to be strong for him and help him through his grief.  This is going to be a long process for Clint and I.  P was like a brother to Clint and the grief is raw right now.   Don't misunderstand me, Clint has said to me that I have been who and what he needs to walk through this grieving process.  Trust me, I am constantly asking for grace to come over me and God is consistently coming through for me. :)

So while Clint is going through this grieving and loss of his friend, I am going through my own process of pain and healing.  This month has been a month of stretching, pruning and healing for me.  At times it's felt like I've been living a nightmare.

• Jesus has shown me his deep love for me. 
• Jesus has shown me that I cannot do anything through my own strength.  It is only through HIS strength that I can be strong. 
• Jesus has shown me that I cannot protect myself from getting hurt.  When I attempt to protect myself from more pain, I hurt myself and others more.
• Jesus has shown me that I need to learn how to effectively use HIS armor.  I need to use the full armor of God as I walk through life. 
• Jesus has shown me that I don't always need to be strong or appear to be strong for others.  I need to be real. 
• Jesus has shown me that I cannot be responsible for choices that others have made and hurt me or someone I love as a result. 

I am learning how to trust God's strength and to use his shield of faith, belt of truth, helmet of salvation, sword of the spirit, and shoes of peace.  I have always thought that this should be a natural thing to do when someone comes into relationship with Jesus Christ.  I am learning that this is not the case.  I am just now learning how to use the armor of God effectively.  Honestly, I never recognized that I wasn't using it the way it's meant to be used.  I feel like I've just joined the army and don't know what to do with the equipment that I've been given to protect myself from getting hurt in the fight that we call life.  For all of my life I've used my own armor that eventually became tattered and torn and completely useless.   

This has been a harsh reality for me.  I feel like I'm having to learn how to live differently.  Jesus has done a tremendous amount of healing of my emotions in the past 10 years.  Now He desires to move in my heart in bringing spiritual healing.  This is a going to be a process for me.  It's going to take intentional steps for me to move in the direction of healing in my relationship with Jesus.

I am on a new road.  Yes, it is scary and unfamiliar.  Even as it is unfamiliar and scary, it is also exciting for me.  Where will this new road take me? 

I am going to start by going through a 30 day devotional on The Prayer of Jabez.

Oh that you would bless me indeed.

and enlarge my territory,

that your hand would be with me,

and that you would keep me from evil, 

that I may not cause pain.

I have prayed this prayer over my kids every night for many years (with different wording).  I have only prayed this prayer for myself a few times.  God is bringing it to my attention that I need to pray this prayer for myself ... daily!  I am expecting God to work miracles in my life through the next 30 days of this study of The Prayer of Jabez.  What is He going to do??  I have no idea but I'm sure it will be good. :)