Today is John and I's 14th anniversary. It's been an ok day, although I constantly think about him. I wonder what we would be doing to celebrate. What would his gift to me be?
I remember the last anniversary that we spent together he got an anniversary band for me. I had been wanting it for our 10th anniversary. I got it for our 9th instead. It was quite a surprise! If he had waited until our 10th, I never would have gotten the ring. When he gave it to me, I kept thinking it was good but alittle ... interesting ... ? I was very excited to get it because I knew that it was something that he was excited to get for me.
I went to the cemetary with a Coke. He loved his Coke! :) It was surreal today. In some ways it felt like the first time. I had the "I can't believe I'm here" feeling again. I left in a daze... so much like the first year of visiting at the cemetary. Grief is ... dare I say ... strange? It's been almost 4 1/2 years and I still don't understand it.
Bekah has been talking to me about Daddy John more in the last few days. Comments like... I miss Daddy John ... I miss PopPop and Grandmom, but I miss Daddy John more ... I wish he was here with us. I don't know that she has that many memories like I would like to think she does, but I think it's the biological connection that she misses with her Daddy John.
Ok, so how do I balance all this with where my life is now??? I don't know. I just do it.
The fact that I think about John on our anniversary doesn't change my feelings for Clint at all. I still love him with all my heart! I would still marry him all over again! Clint is a huge gift and blessing to me!
There are times (not as many as there used to be) when I don't know how to balance all the emotions that come with John's death and now being in love and married to Clint. I am grateful for my time with John and I'm grateful for being with Clint. When someone asks me how I do it, I don't know how to explain it. If you're not in it, it's difficult to understand or comprehend. Sometimes I don't understand it myself ... I just do what I need to do to push through it.
All I know is that God is in the midst of my life. He is the ONE in control. I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for His love and grace for me. I am so grateful for who He is and what He is doing in my life!
2 comments:
I am thankful for you!
Rose, I know you posted this a while ago, but thank you for sharing. I don't know what God has for my future, but it is good for me to know that times like this would be normal. I fear being able to balance those types of things if God allows me another relationship...hopefully I would find someone who is understanding (as I am sure Clint is).
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