My Heart and Missions

Clint is in the Dominican Republic and Haiti this week.  This is an "investigate" trip to see how The Vineyard Church can help out in the future.  We went with his friend, Steve, and some other people from the Niles, MI area.  They are finding that there is a lot that The Vineyard can do to help out!

So this week I've been working through the whole "Clint gets to go on these wonderful adventurous trips doing missions work while I have to stay at home keeping on with the American life".  It was hard to see him go this time, as in the other times too.  This time felt it different but I haven't been able to put my finger on it until today while I was cleaning and interacting with God.  It's been hard to read and hear all of the wonderful things that Clint and Steve are experiencing because of so much of me wanting to be there to experience it along with them.  I'm glad that they can be there serving God and others but it's also something that I long to do.  Reality is that my role has been to support Clint from home.  Why is this so hard for me? 

God reminded me today of the missions trip that I took 17 years ago to Guatemala and Honduras.  It was not the best experience for the first time missionary.  Because of the dynamics of my team, our term was cut short. 

Here's the story...
We spent 3 months in Discipleship Training (missions training) in Baltimore, MD.  This was an amazing time for me!  Loved it!  This is where I really learned how to worship and love God with my whole heart.  It was life-changing for me! 

During training we did team building with our own team and with other teams.  I was on the Honduras Team which was to spend 7 months at an orphanage of 160 children.  This included 6 weeks of spanish language training in Guatemala City.  While in Baltimore my team leader decided that he wasn't going to Honduras with us and one of the other team members was asked not to go because of personal reasons.  So the team was down to me, Viviana and Janelle.  We weren't sure what was going to be happening with us.  Were we still  going to Honduras?  In the end another team leader was assigned to us but would not be able to join us until we were in Guatemala City for a few weeks.  Uncertain times.

So the 3 of us girls went to Guatemala City with the Belize Team who has been training in Harrisburg, PA.  We didn't know them and they didn't know us.  Once we were in Guatemala City we all stayed with local families within the city.  During the day we went to the house where we were taught by native language speaking teachers.  The family I stayed with was a single mom with 4 boys in a tiny apartment.  I slept in the same room as the mom.  The shower was outside and cold all the time and the toilet was outside where the laundry area was.  She also made the fresh tortillas in this area... yummy.   Thankfully there was a curtain for privacy in the shower and the toilet areas. :) 

During the first few weeks while we didn't have a team leader it worked out for me to communicate with the Belize team leader, Greg, who was so gracious in helping me navigate my way through some leadership issues.  Finally, Trish came!  I really liked her from the beginning.  Her and I hit it off.  She struggled with connecting with the other two girls, which wasn't a good start. 

After 6 weeks of language training in Guatemala City we left for Honduras.  We eventually got to the orphanage where we stayed in a house with a missions team of 3 girls from Europe.  They were great and we got along well with them.  We helped out in many ways at the orphanage ... lunchtime with 160 kids, showers with the little kids, helping out in the school classrooms, managing the play areas, simply keeping the kids in control, church on weekends, etc.  I fell in love with the kids.  I still think of Martita at times.  She would be in her early 20's now and I'm sure she's a beautiful young lady.  I wonder what she's doing with her life ...

During this time in Honduras two of my team members began crossing lines in the rules that were laid out for us on the mission field.  Trish and I really struggled with knowing how to handle this situation.  I did my best to support Trish while she was having to communicate with leadership back home and no changes were happening with the lines being crossed after conversations.  For weeks we struggled and in the end the leadership back home made the decision to have us go home early.  This was so hard for us!  We wanted to go home but there was so much disappointment in having our term being cut short.  We were supposed to be there for 7 months but left after 4 months. 

We spent a week in Harrisburg, PA for a week of debriefing with leadership and other teams that had just returned from their outreaches.  The leadership offered me a free missions term in the future.  I declined because I simply was not ready to say yes.  I needed to work through the disappointment of what had just happened in the past 4 months.  I never did accept that offer.  Should I have?  Probably.

So ... now my husband, Clint, is an Associate Pastor and one of his responsibilities is Missions.  Even though he has many other responsibilities, Missions is his favorite.  He has a huge passion for missions and loves moving forward in that area! 

This morning while in conversation with God about this issue within me of being envious of Clint and all his wonderful "adventures" to Uganda, Sudan and now D.R. and Haiti, God revealed to me why I struggle with being at home while Clint is doing missions around the world.  I went on one missions trip and it was one of the hardest times of my life.  It wasn't a good experience.  And then when I came home, it seemed that no one wanted any kind of report or didn't want to hear stories of my experience.  I came home and it didn't matter that I had just been gone for 7 months in training and outreach.  This was hurtful.

When Clint goes on a trip and comes home it's a completely different experience for him than mine was!!  Actually, it's the opposite.  So much of me wants to have the kind of missions experience that my husband does!!!  I hope to be able to experience that someday...